a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
