Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize
