When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Randomize