Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
