She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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