so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I think I sprained my soul last night
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
