I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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