Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
