I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
