He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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