So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
