Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
