SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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