Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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