I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
