Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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