Non-Jews are for practice
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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