In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
