i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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