It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Randomize
