You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
