My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize