dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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