The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
