Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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