exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
