Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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