so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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