Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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