You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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