Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
the condom got lost in my hair
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
