she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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