Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
this boner is exhausting
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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