So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
