I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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