it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
