I'm passing your future prison.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
