Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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