I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
