just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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