It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
