shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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