I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
