Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Go christen that room with your naked body.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
