In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
