idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize