I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
