I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
