i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I didn't notice because vodka
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize