the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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