Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Randomize
