One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize