Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
