he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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