Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
