walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
