Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
