I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Randomize
