I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
We're too hungover to prance.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
