just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I have fence marks all over my body
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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