You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
