If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
