I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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