Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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