You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
